Our very first fatrant.com Guest Post!! My best friend had some thoughts about a miserable shopping trip she had recently and she was so very kind to write us a blog post about it! Please lend your ears to the Inbetweenie Midwife!
Shock me sane! Does this sound familiar?
What a wonderful leisurely shopping day! I’m gonna find me some cute, sassy dresses for my favorite season, fall. I’ve got a tight budget but I’m an expert bargain shopper/tag switcher/whats-ugly-has-character kind of gal.
I’ve got Old Friend with me, we’ve had such good times! We have a history! We can shop AND bitch AND reminisce! Delicious.
We stop in one of those funky boutique stores that used to be a refrigerator repair shop but then they threw some billowy curtains on the cracked floor to ceiling windows, put some long tables full of boyfriend tees out on the rotting wood floor and put on some Arcade Fire. It smells like Amazon shipments and Febreeze. I cringe, if there isn’t a vat for me to dig through or the aroma of mothballs to suffocate in, I feel like They are gonna come get me. You know.
Old Friend trots happily in and immediately begins to rummage through the organic, vegetable and French saliva dyed tees that are ONLY $20 each!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe the bargains?! Can you?! Can you?! Can you?!
I wander around aimlessly finding item after item that is A)too expensive and B) the smallest size 12 I’ve EVER seen. Oh wait, do they mean 12 year olds? Is this a new thing? Am I old now?
Aaaaaanyway, Old Friend now has a pile of “deals” that include 2 French saliva tees and 2 pairs of skinny jeans in the largest size the store carries. Size 12. Which is really a size 10, after a series of deep knee bends. I know this because I heard her discussing sizing with the Dude who runs the store. “Oh yeah,” he says, “they’ll stretch out, and this season the skinny leg is totally hot.”
OF and I are just about the same size. She is taller than me, but we are both squarely in the higher side of the Inbetweenie world. What do you think you’re doing?
I sit on the leather couch outside the dressing room waiting for her (I’m sweating against the leather and I wonder how many other people have sweated against the leather…I’m going to get Herpes*). She comes out wearing pants that are skinny alright. Here’s the thing: she is not. Oops.
She walks stiff legged over to me and before I can offer an honest take on her paint-on-pants the Dude swoops in and tells her how great they look and how, again, they will stretch out and in the fall she can stuff her boots in them because they are skinny!
She looks pleased. I look pissed. He looks pleased. I look pissed.
She turns to me and says, “Well they are only $200 with the 10% discount (NOTE: that is bullshit) and I really need some slim pants for the fall. I’m going to get two pairs.”
“Are you sure you want to? I mean, have you sat down yet? Can you sit down in those?”, I say with my worried pigeon eyes.
She walks to the sweat couch and sits. It’s like a bakery and I learn she is wearing yellow underpants. Yellow on purpose, she’s not dirty.
“It’s a little stiff, but they’ll stretch out”, she says with hope.
“Those are our most popular fit. I can’t even keep them in stock!”, says the Dude swooping in for the kill.
Off she goes to pay and I am left wondering if I am insane or the worst friend ever.
We leave the store and she is disappointed that I did not buy any Pakistani Orphan Hair sweaters or French saliva tees.
“Eh,” I hedge, “It was too expensive and…honestly it was all really small. I’m just not willing to smoosh myself into clothes anymore. Their size 12 was an 8 in 10’s clothing. Can we go to (NAME OF COOL PLUS SIZE STORE I’VE HAD BITCHIN’ LUCK FINDING STUFF THAT FITS ME)?”
“Yeah, I totally understand that if you’re a bigger size it can be hard. I’m totally happy with my size, I’ve just been really good lately. But,” she says and I feel my face twitch, “lets go to that place across the street first, I need some boots. We’ll try to go to (NAME OF COOL PLUS SIZE STORE I’VE HAD BITCHIN’ LUCK FINDING STUFF THAT FITS ME) but it’s a fat person store. What am I going to find there?”
All together now: PANTS THAT FIT.
You all know how the rest of this day goes, my scant savings stays intact and OF buys more Latin Baby Eyelash pants that are painfully small and boots to match.
At the end of the day, I feel like I’ve been through psychological testing. Why couldn’t I get through? Was I not honest enough? Again, am I the worst friend ever?
Which brings me to this guest blog. When I met Joy Nash she served as my midwife. She ushered me into fully accepting my body and self and made me finally and completely feel comfortable with my Inbetweenie self. She delivered me into feeling good about myself in any store, any size and any place. And now friends, old and new, I offer you my trials, tribulations and contemplations in helping those on either side of the size fault feel happy, healthy and beautiful.
I’m the Inbetweenie Midwife. At your service.
*Don’t write me letters. I KNOW you cannot get Herpes from a couch. I have nothing against Herpes. Some of my best friends are Herpes.