Response for fat insults?

So, I’m working on a new video that presents responses to the typical insults fat people get tossed on a daily basis, and I can’t find the list I thought I had bookmarked.. 😦

Someone compiled a masterpiece and posted it on the internet a long long time ago, but I can’t seem to find it.
Does anyone else remember this?
Things like:
“You have such a pretty face…” “And this incredible ass, I know… I know.”
or
“Wow, you might want to keep your voice down. Everyone is going to find out what an asshole you are.”
or
“No, I’m not pregnant, but hey! The night is young…”
I’d love to have a slew to use.
How do you like to shut people up?

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47 Responses to “Response for fat insults?”


  1. 1 Vidya May 21, 2008 at 2:14 pm

    My preferred method is cocking a snook at them, then smiling while doing the I-dismiss-you-as-nuts body language, and walking away.

  2. 3 Meowser May 21, 2008 at 2:26 pm

    Joy, I seem to remember those comebacks from Marilyn Wann’s Fat!So? book. Those are all great.

    I also like another one from that list, although I might be remembering a paraphrase: “Very good! You noticed I’m fat! Now, how many fingers am I holding up?” (Most effective when flipping the bird.) My personal variant on that is, “Very good, now you know the word ‘fat’! Next week, we’ll learn ‘duckie’ and ‘horsie’!” I haven’t gotten to use it yet, though. I live in Portland, where People Are Nice (TM).

  3. 4 Hannah May 21, 2008 at 3:37 pm

    Reminds me of a bumper sticker that a woman at my parent’s church had: “I may be fat, but you’re ugly, and I can diet”

  4. 5 Joy Nash May 21, 2008 at 3:46 pm

    yeah… I’ve heard the “I can lose weight” snap before, but I have to say, I’m not that big a fan…
    A) because diets don’t work
    but almost more importantly (to me anyway)
    B) it reinforces the idea that fat is bad. It’s accepting the insultor’s use of “fat” as a weapon. And I don’t see it like that.

    I’m way more into letting someone think I’m crazy/completely confusing them, or saying something that will make them feel ashamed of their behavior versus making them feel ashamed of their physical appearance.
    That said, I know how good it can feel to get in the last word and can totally see why a lot of people take that route.. 😉

  5. 6 littlem May 21, 2008 at 3:53 pm

    My modifier of the above is a bit longwinded, but it has left the hurler speechless on previous occasions:

    Insulter: “whatever garble dribbles from lips”

    Me: “I could lose weight to fit your ideas of what’s healthy, which is probably really based on your prurient perversions, if I CHOSE.

    But YOU will always be crude and stupid. And you don’t have a choice about that.” *gentle smile*

    Insulter: o.O

  6. 7 littlem May 21, 2008 at 3:55 pm

    Please excuse my HTML awkwardness. My “/” key didn’t go down after “could”, and I thought it did. Sorry.

  7. 8 Marshmallow May 21, 2008 at 4:25 pm

    I can’t find the link now, but I loved the story of the woman who was in line at the coffee shop and a woman in front of her said, “Oh I’m having SUCH a fat day. How do you do it all the time?” And the response was something like, “It’s not that bad. Not as bas as being a shallow cow. How do YOU do it all the time?” GOLD!

  8. 9 Meowser May 21, 2008 at 4:25 pm

    Littlem: Yeah! Or, alternatively: “I could at least lose weight temporarily if I wanted to bother. You, on the other hand, don’t know how not to be stupid for even five minutes.”

  9. 10 Godless Heathen May 21, 2008 at 5:38 pm

    Point to rude jerk: “Excuse me, someone seems to be missing a 5 year old child.”

    Concerned party: Should you be eating that?
    Me: Well, I’ve tried injecting it straight into my veins before, but I had bad results.

    In the winter I get to be smug about how warm I am while the the skinny rude person hugs their latte protectively and prays for spring. This is really effective on those days when I wear short sleeves in barely freezing weather. I think I’m part polar bear though, so it might not work for everyone.

  10. 11 crinklish May 21, 2008 at 5:40 pm

    Marshmallow: I loved that story! I believe it was on “Manolo for the Big Girl” (although it’s possible that site was quoting somewhere else).

  11. 12 AnnieMcPhee May 21, 2008 at 5:50 pm

    Those are too cumbersome; I *really* like the “Shhh – keep it down; everyone’ll know you’re an asshole” in the conspiratorial, I’m trying-to-help-you tone. That’d surprise anyone. Might even make them laugh.

    However I have been inundated by friendly and polite people lately, on the train and in other situations. So I fear (or hope) I’ll never be able to use these lol.

  12. 13 AnnieMcPhee May 21, 2008 at 5:51 pm

    Btw, that baby is gorgeous! What a cute mug.

  13. 15 BStu May 21, 2008 at 8:19 pm

    This is more of a Fat Admirer come-back that admittedly I’ve only gotten to use once or twice in the 10 years since I came up with and felt so self-satisfied over it, but here it is…

    “You only date fat women because you can’t do any better.”

    “I can’t do any better. I just mean that differently than you.”

    I thought it was freakin’ brilliant when I first had this bit of L’esprit de l’escalier a few days too late to use it. When I finally got a chance to years later, the insulter didn’t get what I meant, so I guess that counts as a fail, but I still like it.

  14. 16 littlem May 21, 2008 at 11:14 pm

    @Meowser: Warn me if I’m drinking something around you when you decide to fling that bomb.

    @Bstu: I can just see him scratching his head like o.O

    For those who think the Doc’s cadence a thing ringing with glory, an all-purpose rhyme:

    “If I wanted, I’d waste you with comeback in rhyme
    but I think I’ll stop here – ’cause you’re not worth my time.”

    And for those slightly more earthy:

    “You tried to insult me? I’d wish you good luck,
    but instead I’ll just trash you with two words — you suck.”

    Joy – who is that adorbs little girl? Is that you at princess age?

  15. 17 littlem May 21, 2008 at 11:32 pm

    Them: “You’re [something not nice]!”

    Us:

    “As I listen to you, spewing nasty and rude,
    I’m amazed at the ick in your stank attitude.
    But your voice, it does squawk, and your face, it is squat,
    So I guess it’s okay – nasty’s all that you’ve got.”

    I’m warming up.

  16. 18 littlem May 21, 2008 at 11:42 pm

    Also in line 3 you can substitute “it is harsh”* for “it does squawk” if you want your parallelism between your adjectives instead of your consonant groups.

    *I’m practicing delivery with a slight sneer for impact.

    Hee.

  17. 19 littlem May 22, 2008 at 12:08 am

    Geez, my brain needs some EFAs and some more kelp;
    If I’d read the whole thread first I’m sure it would help.

    In an attempt to conform better to Joy’s vision of non-appearance-based insults, please feel free to replace line 3 with any of the following:

    – Bet with that sense of wit you don’t get laid a lot

    – Bet with that sense of humor you’re not laid a lot

    – Must be bad to have had to find your brains were snot

    – What a drag to have found out that your brains were shot

    – What a drag to discover that your charm is shot

    – What a downer to find that your cool is just not

    – But the only thing that’d be your friend is a bot

  18. 20 littlem May 22, 2008 at 12:32 am

    One more for the road.

    Seems you caught a bad case of the rude raving gall —
    Are you sure you should open your big mouth at all?
    Just sit there! Be quiet! Don’t give it away!
    Then no one will know you’re the Douche of the Day.

  19. 21 Katie May 22, 2008 at 5:30 am

    My favorite advice columnist is Carolyn Hax, and her standard comeback for anytime someone says something rude is to just pause, look them in the eye, and go, “Wow”. It’s great because it makes them totally uncomfortable and realize how out of line they’re being. It also works for pretty much all situations… i.e. “so, when are you guys having kids?” or “you know, your eyebrows really need to be plucked.” (I actually GOT that one once!)

  20. 22 shinobi42 May 22, 2008 at 6:13 am

    My personal favorite, which I still haven’t gotten to use is:

    “Wow! That was so rude! You must be so embarassed!” Said with sympathy and mock concern. I think I got that from a Shapely Prose thread.

    Also, from the movie The Matchmaker:

    “Is being an idiot like being high all the time?” Said with wonder, and if you’re me, a little envy.

    My favorite response to “pretty face” comments is:

    “Why thank you, you have a really attractive ]general area of the body, preferablly something minute] Shame about the rest isn’t it?” *sigh*

    Which I also haven’t gotten to use. I usually end up trying not to punch people in the face.

    Oh, and does anyone have any handy retorts for when someone calls you a cow? The teenagers in my neighborhood have started “Oh look, a cow and his dog” comments towards my boyfriend. I’m concerned he may actually kill one of them with the lawn mower, good thing it is manual.

  21. 23 Eden May 22, 2008 at 8:06 am

    I’ve only ever gotten looks from young teen girls and it always seems to be when I’m on a cell phone or right before (and I’m rarely on my phone). Usually what I do is say into the phone something like, “Oh there aren’t many people here today. Some little children (look at them) but that’s it.”

    It’s hard not to go down to the level of the insulter. I’d probably just say something like, “Your life must be so sad. I feel sorry for you.”

  22. 24 milfilicious78 May 22, 2008 at 9:25 am

    Where’s the stuff I put?
    Too many links or what?

  23. 25 Joy Nash May 22, 2008 at 10:38 am

    These are SO SO great. I’m amazed at the POETRY!
    milfilicious78 – I think you did get caught in spam- it should be fixed now.

    and Stef from cat-and-dragon sent me the link I was looking for in the first place!
    For your insulting pleasure:
    http://cat-and-dragon.com/stef/fatfaqs/size.html

    Thank you guys SO much- now I just have to figure out how to credit people properly 🙂 Any ideas?

  24. 26 Meowser May 22, 2008 at 2:44 pm

    Shinobi: Hee hee! As for the cow comments, there’s always, “I’d rather be a cow than a cockroach.”

  25. 27 Jo May 22, 2008 at 3:28 pm

    It’s been a few years since anyone smarted off to me publically but the last time someone eyed me up and down and said, ‘You’re fat’ my response was “Nothing gets past you, does it Professor?” delivered in a highly amused and condescending tone of voice.

    On the family thing, every single member of my family is overweight and used to be very cruel to each other. I decided in my early 20s this was bullshit and I wasn’t having it.

    I had a boyfriend around that time who – for all his faults – loved me the way I was. One time I was muttering about something to do with my appearance and he said, “You’re fine the way you are, sweetie!” and hugged me. My mother was in earshot and snapped, “She is NOT. She needs to lose weight, and she…”

    I turned to her, held up a hand and said, “Hangon, you don’t get to take that compliment away from me. He said it to ME, not you, and I hereby exercize my right to accept that compliment. So step *off* about my weight.”

    She blinked at me for a moment, looked thoughtful, and said, ” … you know …. you’re right. And I’m sorry.” And except for a few minor slips over the years, never again ripped me about my weight.

    Unfortunately not all my family wised up so similarly over the years, but it did ultimately give me the guts to learn to say to them, “You don’t get to hassle me about my weight. I like me just fine, it’s not my problem if you disapprove.” That alone has helped my self confidence a great deal over the years.

  26. 28 Megan May 22, 2008 at 5:09 pm

    Heh – one of my favorites, whenever I get one of those “DUH” insults like “You’re fat!”

    You have to say it like you’re one of those kids in a comic thanking a superhero:

    “Thank you, Captain Obvious!”

  27. 29 Katilane May 22, 2008 at 9:40 pm

    When my boyfriend and I were shopping last month, I had an older woman come up and put her hands on my stomach and ask when I was due. My poor boyfriend was standing next to me, mouth open in shock. “Oh, I’m not pregnant, just fat.” I said. That woman could pull her hands away fast enough. As she was sputtering out apologies and saying that I had “such a motherly figure”, I simply told her “Yeah, well, I’m not ready for kids, and neither is he. But boy, do we ever enjoy practicing for making them!” My boyfriend was turning purple from try not to laugh.

    I’m not sure which pissed her off more; the fact that I shot down her “compliment” or that I had told her that my boyfriend actually *liked* getting it on with a big girl.

  28. 30 littlem May 22, 2008 at 11:14 pm

    Joy – if you want you can put the small rhymes in a subsection

    Cadence by Seuss/snark by littlem

    Today’s offerings (the first in honor of Jo):

    1) I’m in awe! I’m in awe! Your wit flings such a sting!
    You must be a Professor. You don’t miss a thing.

    And a pair of couplets for the truly-without-clue:

    2) You really should sit and just stare at the floor.
    If your face were tattooed it would blink “Douche Du Jour”.

    3) I’d just love to stay, and watch your intellect fry,
    But I have better things to do now, so bye-bye.

    P.S. You still didn’t answer. Is that a younger you in our post’s feature picture?

  29. 31 Jackie May 23, 2008 at 5:58 am

    That picture of the little girl is so cute!

    Hmm, I honestly can’t really think of any fat insults, that aren’t already pretty well known.

    However, I feel in a way people who talk down about gamers, is kind of a slight against fat people. Or at least the idea that playing video games, which traditionally does require you sitting down to play, makes people ZOMG TEH FATS!

    It seems nobody mentions how much intelligence it takes to get through a video game, I mean it takes brain muscle. Also what irritates me, is now that girls are finally being accepted as gamers. It’s only the “thin pretty” girls who are accepted as gamers, when those of us who have been playing for years can tell, it’s more like models pretending they’re gamers.

    On a good note though, Nintendo does have a new I Play for Me campaign, where they have Carrie Underwood and America Ferrera playing the Nintendo DS. Oh, and if you go to Nintendo’s site, you have to see what an awesome job America did at decorating the back of her DS’ top screen.

  30. 32 Cyn May 23, 2008 at 4:18 pm

    I think that picture is of a random confused girl, littlem. Looks pretty new, like taken with a digicam.

    You could use this one when you got to the doctor. I used them with my OB-GYN:

    Doc: “I’m just telling you to lose a few pounds. I don’t want you to be a top model or a beauty queen”
    Me: “I already am”.

    Doc: “You could only lose five kilos. Now, you could drop to 60 kilos if you wanted to look gorgeous…”
    Me: “I already look gorgeous”.

    That completely confuses them, and then they get on contradictive answers that just make them look stupid. Mwahahaha.

  31. 33 Jackie May 25, 2008 at 3:04 am

    Contradictive answers like what?

  32. 34 Cyn May 25, 2008 at 10:07 pm

    Contradictive answers like what?

    Like, when I said “I already look gorgeous”, she went all “it’s for your health”, when she had already said it would make me “look gorgeous”.

    I had a bit high cholesterol (that comes in meat and animal products like eggs) and triglycerids (that mostly comes in dairy), and she said “you should follow a high protein, low carb, low fat diet”. SAY WHAT? Meat and dairy (pure protein) is what gives me high cholesterol and triglycerids, not fruits, veggies, bread and things that don’t come from living beings (teh carbz and good fatz). She just automatically threw the Atkins on me, showing that she only cared about me shedding pounds and not about my levels going back to normal. It’s all somewhere in my blog, but I hate shameless self-promotion. *blushes*

  33. 35 Natalie Ferraro May 30, 2008 at 9:03 pm

    I love Miss Platinum! I especially love Pete Fox from Seeed…I recently connected with him to do a song with +plushus…cross your fingers! +plushus loves Joy Nash!!! let’s cuddle.

  34. 36 lynnie June 19, 2008 at 2:29 pm

    I have nothing clever. If I feel like responding I generally just tell the person they’re an asshole.

    Shinobi42- I think you should go visit those boys’ parents. You don’t even have to say much. Maybe just tell them their son’s are harassing you. If someone came to my door and told me my teenager was calling them names, I can guarantee you it would never happen again. And I’d thank them for letting me know my kid was being an asshole too.

  35. 37 calixti June 20, 2008 at 12:55 pm

    Re: being called a cow, I like to respond with “Better a cow than a donkey.” Or, if they’re a bit dim and unlikely to understand the insult, “better a cow than an ass.” I use it when someone calls me a bitch, whore, dyke, or cunt too. :3

  36. 38 Martin June 21, 2008 at 2:53 am

    I have twin daughters who are genetically fortunate to the extreme and exasperatingly critical of everyone and everything (they’re 14). They aren’t insulting to fat people in my presence these days, but I have a story from back when they were rugrats.

    They had somehow got confused about the adjective ‘grumpy’. They thought it meant fat. We hadn’t been actively correcting them because they were using it as a descriptor for things rather than people and it was cute. Then came the day at the fair, with the lady sitting at some cat society both…

    Child: You SURE are GRUMPY!!

    Fat Cat Lady: Well, it’s kinda hot, can you blame me?

    Father (dragging children away from booth): Nope

  37. 39 Lexie July 17, 2008 at 11:33 pm

    Mine! I always like to use things that emphasize how sexy I am.

    Taunter: *meanie meanie mean things*

    Me: Using reverse psychology won’t help you get a date. *wink*

  38. 40 Lynda August 6, 2008 at 8:03 pm

    Tell ya what, I’ll swap you a copy of ‘Largely Happy’ -complete with come-back to insults section, for you great DVD. Whadya say?

    Love
    Lynda F

  39. 41 MIchelle September 14, 2008 at 8:19 pm

    This was great I really enjoyed reading all of these! I’ve taken alot of them and used them in retaliation on a MOM forum! can you beleive that? Moms! nasty people!

  40. 42 Lindsey January 2, 2009 at 7:31 pm

    Just found the website and I love it!

    One of my favorites when someone insults me is , “Wow! That was original. Did you come up with that one on the spot or have you been thinking about it for a while?” I also like, “That was funny. You should take that act on the road because you are hilarious.”

  41. 43 Dawnifer April 25, 2009 at 10:29 am

    I just found the site and had this happen to me the other night:
    Stupid drunk guy: Hey lady, I got some Lil Debbies for youuuuu.
    Me: Good then I’ll have something to snack on while you eat my ass.
    It went over really well…hahahah

  42. 44 Kate August 31, 2009 at 4:48 pm

    I’ve used ‘I think you’re confusing your own needs for mine’ for family criticism. Not fat specific though – might want to say something like ‘I think you are confusing your own poor self image for mine. I know it’s hard to be related to someone as sexy as me, but you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.’ Ok, that came out a bit meaner than I intended 😉

  43. 45 lovenati October 5, 2009 at 2:14 pm

    “and yet I’m still having more sex than you.”

    “statistically speaking, big women have more orgasms than thin women. let me know if you need any pointers.”

    “you must be dreading old age, since your world revolves around looks.”

    “at least people assume I’m smart.”

  44. 46 lovenati October 5, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    “well, your boyfriend isn’t staring at my face.”

    “I bet if you gained 10lbs you’d come unglued…maybe your husband would leave you…or you’d get fired…or you’d sink into a deep depression…go on antidepressants…eat more…gain another 20lbs…then what would become of you? Meanwhile I’m gracefully carrying an extra 100lbs, taking yoga, and dating your ex-husband.”

  45. 47 poetess January 7, 2010 at 8:56 am

    I’ve had people yell at me from cars that my butt was fat, I’ve been called a cow, Dolly Parton (Ok that one’s kind of funny) and not just by strangers. But my family! Usually I’m too appauled to come up with anything to say back. I might have said:

    Shut up, b* or I’ll sit on you
    That’s because I actually eat my food instead of barf ir up later
    Ugly’s forever, I could lose weight but I’m happy with myself
    Cows have four legs and go moo, jackasses hurl insults at people because they’re stupid and empty inside. Sound familiar?


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