So earlier this week, when I was still in Chicago, I got one of those “Unavailable” phone calls. Usually this means 1 of 3 things. 1) my friend Adriana is calling me. 2) the mysterious European mobster I lost my virginity wants to say hello. (for reals). Or, 3) Fox News wants something.
This time it was Fox News. They wanted me to be on TV in 2 hours. I said “Oh, sorry. I’m in Chicago, but what’s going on?”
They needed a Health Expert ASAP to comment on Dunkin Donuts new trans-fat policy. “Oh, we need someone to say that -it’s great that’s they’ve stop using trans-fats, but it’s still not a license to go out and eat as many donuts as you can…”
CAN YOU EFFING BELIEVE IT??!!
I have a degree in Theatre from the University of Southern California. Apparently this makes me a Health Expert in the eyes of FOX News.
DUNKIN DONUTS!?? WHO THE EFF CARES ABOUT DUNKIN DONUTS!! I can’t tell you the last time I ate at Dunkin Donuts. Do we even have them in California? I think I tried to use the ATM there in Chicago. Shouldn’t Fox at least try to find a donut fan to moralize on this subject? Somebody who really has a stake in what’s going on?
I’ll speak for Donut eaters everywhere when I say: “I don’t need your PERMISSION to do ANYTHING, Mr. TV News Channel!! YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.” Seriously??! Do you really think I’m sitting here, restrained in my chair, rabidly salivating over the mountains of glorious food that float past me- held back from tearing them to peices with my teeth, SOLELY by the fact that YOU HAVEN’T SAID IT’S OK??!! Puh leeze. In the words of another famous fatty: “whatEVA. I do what I want!!”